So our "Black Sunday" anniversary is coming up. I keep trying to forget about it, but no such luck. I was really hoping I could get to a place where that day would just come and go as any other and I wouldn't think twice about it. Nope. Oh well. In fact, David and I were talking the other day about how I am becoming more anxious as the day gets closer. I still want so badly to figure out a way to start a support group for families who go through the same thing we did, but I haven't been able to do anything about it as of yet. I still can't believe nothing exists. Someday it will. Once David and I are both ready and I can find the right resources, I will get it done.
I think I am 95% better ("better" is not the right word, but I don't know how else to say it). I have come to terms with the fact that my current state is probably as good as it's going to get for me. I will always have my triggers. I had a major reaction today for no good reason (it drives me NUTS when that happens...makes me feel certifiably crazy; thankfully they are now few and far between), and it will always be swimming around in the back of my head somewhere. I sometimes feel bad about the fact that I can't let go of it 100% (trust me, I'd LOVE to); that everybody else involved, including my husband, has seemingly moved on and I can't. As if this were all about me, which it most definitely is not. I don't know how to put it in words, but it is incredibly frustrating to me.
Since March 1st falls on a Monday this year, we have decided to turn it into a family fun day (which I am very much looking forward to). David and I agreed that it would not be healthy for me to be sitting at home all day reliving everything; constantly trying to push flashbacks out of my head. Maybe after a day of fun this year, I will cope with the anniversary better next year. Or, maybe we will just make March 1st a family fun day every year from here on out!
David...I love you. I cannot say it enough. I cherish every day our family has together and look forward to an eternity of them to come.
*Again, my apologies for the lack of details that I cannot share. This post is more of a journal entry/note to family.
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5 comments:
Alyssa, though I have not been through the same trail as your family I have had trails to face. I know what you are saying by others have moved on and you cannot. I relive things from my past often even though I would love to forget them. I just hope that you can find peace and learn as a family from this trail. I think that your family fun day sounds like a great way to create new and fun memories of March 1. You are in my prayers.
Some things take longer than others to put into perspective. The peace will come, just not when you expect it to. I think March 1st should be a day of celebration for your family (I love the idea of a fun day) after all, the day can be a reminder to all of you, that God is good, that He loves you, and that He always sends help when help is needed. Allow yourself the time to heal - your experience that day was different than the others involved. Your family is loved, and will be in many of our hearts and prayers that day.
Although, I understand the hesitancy (and tendancy) to dwell on it, I think it should be a day of celebration. Celebrate what you have today and how blessed you are to be here and the blessings that have come throughout this last year. We love you guys!!
No matter how hard you tried, I am not sure this will ever be a day you forget. But after time, hopefully it can become the "First Day" of new beginnings and a new start at the life long deserved. We are so grateful that this first anniversary is really going to be a day of celebration and not a day of sadness. We love you all and hope it is okay if it also a family fun day for us too.
I know this is especially hard for you, but know that you and your family are in our prayers. I don't think it will ever be a day that any of us forget, but I think as time goes on, we can increasingly see it for the positive things that it brought our family. It definitely let us know that Heavenly Father answers our prayers and offers us help when we most need it. And, as Jason said, it is a day of new beginnings and to celebrate family. I think that we will make it our family fun day too. We love you and are greatful that this challenge has brought us all closer (if not geographically).
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